In the coming months, we'll be seeing more and more effects of the recession in every aspect of our daily lives. Here's some of what you can expect:
Automobiles -- American cars will now be replaced with cuter, cheaper, more fuel efficient foreign models.
Spouses -- American spouses will now be replaced with cuter, cheaper, more fuel efficient foreign models.
Weddings -- Fabulous nuptials will be scaled-back; no more huge feasts with carving stations and sushi bars and cotton candy martinis. Let them eat cake!
Cakes -- The cake industry isn't getting a bailout! Buttercream and fondant will be replaced by that canned frosting crap and sheets of construction paper.
Food -- A peanut butter and jelly sandwich that doesn't give you salmonella is now considered a lavish meal.
Paychecks -- Executives of companies receiving bailouts will have their pay capped at $500,000. Most of that money will go toward their extravagant lifestyles, but the rest will go right to offshore accounts in the Caymans. The rest of us will, on the whole, have our pay cut. The money we don't pay in taxes will go toward gasoline and salmonella-free peanut butter.
Houses -- Please feel free to trade in your ridiculous adjustable rate mortgage for a cardboard box. Cardboard boxes can be obtained for no money down, and no money ever.
Entertainment -- Because those digital converter boxes will be a long time coming, I suggest that you check out a book about Euchre from your local library.
The Internet -- Scammers will no longer be looking for your worthless bank account numbers. Take care to guard your precious bodily fluids while online.
CNN -- Anderson Cooper won't stop using Kiehl's products, but he'll use a little bit less.
Awards shows -- Award statuettes will be made of brass. Swag bags will contain canned food and drugstore toiletries.
MTV -- Kids on "My Super Sweet 16" will only receive one car for their birthdays, instead of two.
Rap songs -- Lyrics will reference Andre sparkling wine and unattainable female acquaintances.
Electronics -- The boom box is making a comeback. Dig out your old mix tapes. And boom boxes.
Fashion -- Trends to watch out for: burlap; galoshes.
Shopping -- Go ahead and put that shelf for your cardboard box on layaway. Buy now, own later!
Births -- To save money, drugs will not be administered.
Funerals -- Natural resources are at a premium, so burial is out of the question. Everyone gets cremated during a recession, and put in a utilitarian stainless steel urn, to be kept on a shelf in your home. If your cardboard box does not come equipped with a shelf, and you don't have the one you put on layaway yet, you can leave the urn outside. Stainless steel urns are weatherproof.